I found myself contemplating my career choice. Am I at where I want to be at? Do I want to pivot careers? Do I want to change what I do for income on a day to day? After a while of going back and forth in my mind about this, I realized the actual problem behind this contemplation was actually just a lack of knowing myself. A lack of deeply connecting with myself.
So, I started practicing a few things that help me get back to me.
- Getting into my body — this is probably the most important part. I step into my body and sense around. What’s happening? This feels new and unfamiliar. I am so distant from this part of myself and from this way of being. I sat with the discomfort and overtime, started becoming increasingly comfortable in that space — in being with myself. I didn’t have to DO anything, I just simply sat and tolerated sitting with myself until it became “normal”. This regulated my nervous system, which is half the battle of finding any answer I might have been looking for in the first place.
- Finally, I’ve arrived. Things continue to move and shift. This is GOOD, I tell myself. This is human. This is natural. This is what it feels like to be alive. Part of me is so scared and the other part of me is so satisfied. I allow, allow and allow. That’s all I can do.
- There’s something tugging at me. I hadn’t notice it before. It’s a deep sense of sadness. Yeah. There it is, I see you. I want to comfort you. I ask what you need from me. What do I need to be doing differently? It says I need to express myself more. Okay, I say to it. I will try my best. There’s something else is tugging. It’s this huge, almost overwhelming powerful, aggressive, and strong energy that I immediately become scared of. It’s a fucking beast I didn’t even know was inside of me. A good beast, I will say. Powerful, courageous, all knowing type of beast. I’m blown away. I breathe here. Letting this beast, this force of nature be seen, witnessed and heard — probably for the first time ever.
This is it. This is what I do now. Over and over again. It’s exhausting but also, the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life. It’s beautiful, scary, intense process that I am so so lucky and happy I get to do. Thank you, I say at the end of this “session” with myself. Thank you for letting me see you, thank you for letting me be with you, thank you for letting me share me with the world.
