I complain a lot about the same thing — why can’t I ever access my feelings in the moment?
Why do I have to sit down, 4 hours after the situation has happened, meditate for 20 minutes, write in my journal for 2 hours, climb a fucking mountain — only to figure out how I actually feel about a situation. Why don’t I ever just know how I feel?
It feels like I’m living inside a steel box that literally won’t open unless it’s exactly the right temperature and there’s exactly the right key to open it and exactly the right circumstance.
I think about this, and then I think about how, constantly I’m told to be “mature” and “responsible” and “considerate” and “not too much ___” and “pleasant” and “easygoing” and “chill” and all of the things. I think about all these things subconsciously get passed down through the grape vine — like some kind of secret language in our society that no one talks about but everyone just suddenly gets on board with. It makes me think to myself like, “ no fucking wonder I can’t access my feelings” I’m surprised I even still have feelings at all.
Our society has told us stories about who we are and who we should be. I complain about not having access to my feelings, but maybe I should be asking a different question.
Maybe the question I should be asking is, “why do I allow society to set the rules of who I should be and how I should feel?”
