I’ve had a long case of COVID. Longer than the typical person. It’s not “normal”, so to speak, especially since I’m in otherwise healthy, 20 something year old. I was questioning why I was having these symptoms, and since I eat healthy, why they were prolonging themselves. I decided to go to the source — to seek out what it was that felt plaguing. I asked my body. All I heard back was seeing and knowing that it wanted to be seen and known. That I wanted to be seen and known. That loneliness kills and it needs to be recognized. My body is taking the brunt of my actions. I knew it. I also felt excited that I finally realized and identified what it was.
The thing about knowing what’s not working and doing something about it, now, those can be two completely different things. It’s funny, when you have the answers and you still choose to not do them for the sake of protecting yourself. I thought about this, too. What am I protecting? Who am I protecting? What gets hurt or lost or criticized if I tell the truth? …Really? I examined the potential harm and in the process, maybe recognized that there really isn’t one. Maybe I’ve just been looping those thoughts around in my head to make it seem like there’s something scary out there.
I am going by he/him pronouns. I don’t look like a boy or man in the way that I’ve seen them in the past and in my mind. But that’s okay. I’m paving a new way. People often say, why does it matter what pronouns you use. Well, when people call me he or him, instead of she or they, I feel something awaken inside of me. A spirit being uplifted. A weight being taken off of me. It feels heavy to relate to one another in a way that isn’t authentic and true. It takes way more energy, and it’s energy I am just simply not willing to expend on my gender, because who gives a fuck? The reason I’m doing this isn’t political, it isn’t to say a big fuck you to anyone, it’s simply to move on with my life and feel better. This is the place I will be making decisions from, from now on. This feel good, energy abundant place.
I am thankful my body is telling me and giving me signs on what to do next. On how to move and what actions to take. I think on some level, it (spirit, the universe, whatever you want to call it) knew that I care about it’s health so deeply that I’d have no choice but to taken action when it came down to feeling well or feeling unhealthy and having longer symptoms.
It feels good to be empowered, to make choices that will pave my life in the right direction for me, and not anyone else.