Me Vs. Myself

It’s a relationship — one that fluctuates everyday. It fluctuates between me, my consciousness, and myself, my personality.

ME —

I’m a producer on a movie set. I know the characters, the plot, the scenes and at times, even choose to study them intensely. Sometimes I can predict what the characters will do or say, and sometimes they go so off script, I don’t understand what would have led them there.

After all the hard work is done of putting the story together, I know my job is done. I can’t intervene once the movie has started. I can’t change things because, well, I’m not in the movie. If I intervene, it would ruin the movie. The audience would be upset, and it’d be worse to stop in the middle of a scene to fix a minor problem than it would be to just keep going. I have to let go of my ideas about what might happen. I just watch the movie — no commentary, no instructions, just observation. It’s much better this way. I can breathe easier. If I don’t like the movie, I take notes on what exactly I didn’t like and if I liked it, I take note of that, too.

MYSELF —

I’m playing the main character in the movie and the plot is about to get really, really intense. I’m anticipating what’s going to happen next, even though I’ve already read the full script, front to back, 30 times. I keep replaying that scene from the first 5 minutes of the movie, when I pronounced that word wrong. I know the audience didn’t hear it, but I need that word to be said right this time, even if it’s just for me.

We’re in the middle of a scene. I’m looking at the other character, who’s about to tell me about their run in with an old friend at the market. I can’t seem to make out what they’re trying to say. Does he want me to respond? Should I just listen? I hear this voice, where’s it coming from? I listen closer. My attention is now completely off my other colleague. I can finally hear the voice. I listen close, ‘What if the audience can sense that I’m thinking this much? Is my character believable? How am I doing? How’s this going?’

Two completely different roles, given the same task.

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