Old self (you know who you are),

I will miss you.

You helped me when I needed it. All of the time. You were my protector. The way I could shield myself through the world. The way I could protect myself when I needed to. The way, sometimes the only time I was ever able to feel safe and secure was because of you. I love you. I want to thank you for being so kind so patient, so funny at times, and for allowing yourself to come through at times for people to see parts of you. I want to thank you for giving me life and for being the foundation of what got me to where I am today. Right now. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you, pushing us through along the path. I wouldn’t be here right now if it weren’t for you, being interested in learning more, becoming a better version of yourself, wanting to learn and grow and evolve, and most importantly, knowing that there was something greater for you in store. You knew there was something else out there. Something more you were capable of becoming. More things you were capable of doing, people you were meant to interact with. You had your time in this life. I am so unbelievably proud I got to witness you grow and evolve and change and love and understand new things about yourself. I was so in awe of the things you created with yourself and in your world. You traveld all over the world. You were a sight seeker. An adventurer. Someone who was just trying to understand how the world worked, and how you fit into it. You were endlessly curious. Endlessly loving, even when the world didn’t feeling loving back. You were someone who made friends super easily. Someone who never had a problem fitting in, or maybe, that was always your problem. You had your insecuritites, and you were mindful of them. You tried your best to work on them, with the tools you knew and the tools you had. You are someone I will always see with reverence and positive regard, because the strongest thing you can do sometimes is try your best. You did exactly that. You tried and you knew there were better days ahead. You had hope. You held hope.

It feels time to let go of you now. My body clenches as I write that. It feels hard to let go of you, because you were such a part of me. A part of me so much that for a while, it’s who I thought I was. I thought I was you. But I am not. You were a version of me that I cannot carry with me as I move forward. You are someone I need to leave behind in order to see what’s in store for me. I need to let you go, even though it hurts. Even though it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to. Even though it feels impossible. Even though it might break up relationships, tear apart families, even if leaving you behind means that I lose everything. It’s something I know I have to do. It’s something that feels true for me. It’s something I know is right.

What I want to say to you is this: I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for staying with me. Putting up with me. I know it wasn’t always easy. I know it was hard sometimes.

Your old life is gone. It’s time to start new.

I hope you can understand this. That I am doing this because I am moving on to new things. Things that will allow me to experience the fullness of myself, with every single imperfection and every single nuance. I want to embrace my new self fully, and I can’t do that with you still with me. I can’t take you with me, as much as it feels like a protection. As much as it feels like I want to. I can’t. And I won’t. You will be proud of me one day. I hope to make you so proud of me. That is my new goal. To make you proud. That’s all I can ever do to honor your life. To express my fully. To be my authentic self. To keep dying and being reborn. To die and be birthed anew. I know I don’t have all the pieces in place, or everything I need to feel protected. I’m not okay with that, but I know it has to happen this way. I am letting the universe, spirit, higher power take over and care for me in this transition. To care for me at this time. I am allowing that to happen. I am allowing myself to open up to better and bigger things. To more possibilities. To adventure. To a whole new life. To new friends who feel like family. To new relationships. To new family relationships. Romantic relationships. To new situations. New travel adventures. New people, places and things. I hope you can feel excited and understand why I need to say goodbye.

I am going to wrap up by expressing my deepest gratitude for the life you have granted me. Everything I knew, everything I experienced, everything that kept me safe was because of you and it’s important that you know that. You weren’t just no one. You were someone. You were keeping me safe in the world. You were keeping me safe when I didn’t know how to keep myself safe. You were an angel and a teacher in disguise. You were my guardian angel. You were spirit, mother, and the divine all in one, protecting me from what I didn’t know. Thank you endlessly. You didn’t have to do it or put up with any of it, but you did. You stuck around. All of the hard moments, all of the good ones, you didn’t waiver. Literally. You were just who I needed at all the right times.

Thank you thank you thank you.

I love you I love you I love you.

See you in a next lifetime, maybe.

See you in the stars. In the ground. In the grass beneath my feet. See you in the sky. See you in the soil. The flowers I pick everyday. The dirt road that paves a new beginning. See you in the friends I meet, the family I relate with, the people I encounter down the road. See you in the books I read. The poetry I contemplate. The food I delight in. The warm cup of tea I sip on. See you in the air. The wind. The breeze. The light. The rain. The clouds. The soft pillows in the sky. See you everywhere I turn. I know I will. I know I will. Thank you.

My heart is breaking saying goodbye to you. It’s hard not to know what’s next. It’s hard not knowing a life without you by my side. It will be hard and new and scary. Thank you for giving me the courage to be sitting here, writing to you like this. I didn’t think that, in my lifetime, I would get here. So thank you. I can feel you already starting to slip away and it simultaneously brings a level of fear and a level of comfort and warmth. I’m torn. I’m torn without you showing me the way. But I know you will be here with me throughout it all, just in a different form. In a different way. I know it and I can feel it. I know it and i can feel it. I know it and I can feel it. I know it and I can feel it.

I’m sorry this is the first time I’m writing to you. The first time I’ve expressed my gratitude towards you. I hope you felt it anyways. I hope you felt it. My love. My appreciation. My absolute gratitude. I am truly, endlessly grateful for what you’ve done. For who you became. For your courage and your faithfulness to me. It’s time to say goodbye for the last time. For good. If you have any last words, doubts or hesitations, you should share them with me so that I can help you release them and move on. I need to move on. If you have anything at all that’s holding you back from moving on, I invite you to release them. Release your attachments. I know, it’s the hardest thing I could ask of you. I know, trust me. Release everything you think is protecting you. Then, you will be safe. My friend.

Trust me on this one.

Your old pal.