There are few moments in time where I can truly step back, let go, and surrender to life as it’s happening in the present moment.
I resist stepping back, because somehow it always feels unsafe.
Uncertain.
I step back and immediately, part of me curls up — waiting for something bad to happen.
The other shoe might drop, and I might not be there to catch it, I think.
Ultimately, it doesn’t. I end up realizing that everything is OK, and that I don’t have to try so hard to make it that way. Things are easier and simpler than I make them out to be.
So then, why is it to hard to do? Why does it feel impossible to let go?
Our human and personality selves resist it. We’re scared of what happens when we let go of control. What might happen when we aren’t sure anymore about the future, the past, our relationships, our destiny? There’s tension in the unfamiliar.
I try to notice that grabbing, pulling, and resisting sensation. I take inventory of the physical and mental sensations corresponding with that feeling (that thought). Doing this allows me to release my grip just a little bit. Usually, it’s never enough and I keep gripping without any release but sometimes, there’s a brief break in that tension. There’s an actual feeling of letting go. A full surrender. I step back and notice my life from the outside.
Joy. Laughter. Fun. Ease. Simplicity.
Why don’t I do this more often? Why can’t I?
So again and again, I practice. I let go and let go and let go. Until finally, eventually (maybe), it gets easier and more familiar to be in that state of ease. To release the reins on my life and to simply enjoy it instead of forcing it.
To be instead of waiting to be.
