I have two parts to myself — one that is totally in love with the universe (God, The Lord, Spirit, whatever you may call it). It’s all this part cares about. It’s totally and completely immersed in the love of something greater than myself.
When I’m paying attention to this part of myself, I feel a oneness with everything. “I” am less heavy. Things are not so personal. Time is easy and effortless. Life is vibrant, blissful, joyful, and natural.
This part of me needs to live in India and study in an ashram. It needs to gobble spiritual texts of all kinds, and bathe in the Ganges. This part needs to love and serve and help people along the path. It needs to nurture my inner spirit and eat only plants. This part feels clear and direct. There is no question of what I should be doing and how I should be living my life.
And then, there’s the other part of me.
This part is totally immersed and concerned with the material world. It thinks about how people are perceiving me and what I should order at the dinner table. Do I like my job? What are my hobbies? How can I have more fun? What should I say to be more authentic?
This part of me wants to vacation in France and drink wine and eat food with my friends. This part wants to be the best at what I do and have all the recognition and praise that coincides with that. It’s self focused and self centered…arrogant and deeply subject to criticism.
So the question is… which one should I give attention to?
It’s obvious the first one is the one that’s going to lead me to somewhere worthwhile. A life that’s more fulfilling life and meaningful, and to more people than just myself.
The thing that it requires though, is trust. Trust that this “thing” is leading me in the right direction. Trust that it’s going to support my goals of fitting in and “doing the right thing” by societies standards. Trust that I can let go and it’ll have my back completely.
I toggle often between these two parts. What I notice most in regards to which part I’m in is the difference between love and fear and trust and distrust. That love and trust is just a muscle I have to build. To keep my attention tied To God. To the here and now. Over and over and over again.
God, I want all of the first part and a tiny pinch of the second.
