Maybe the thing I thought was the worst thing, actually isn’t so bad?
Maybe the thing that was “bad” just needed to be bad for a little while, so that it could eventually be what it is — just okay.
Mine and my mothers relationship caused a lot of distressed for me as a child, which has bled into some rather negative feelings towards her throughout adulthood. For a while, our relationship caused a lot of distress, disappointment, and hatred within me as a result of her emotionally unavailable tendencies and harsh demeanor.
This past year has been about unraveling that — detaching myself from the doubt, confusion and insecurity that seeped into me through her unconscious. It’s been a year of learning how to walk in my own shoes for the first time, instead of in hers.
Through unraveling, I’ve realized that yes, I felt shitty and harmed and rejected and yes, it sucks and is valid and important. And, at the same time, it just is how it is.
What’s important to me now is not the “mommy issues” story that I tell myself. What’s important is that I found a way to release myself from that story and conditioned beliefs. Whats important is that I’m able to be a little more free, as a result of understanding where my patterns actually came from.
I see a lot of people caught up in their story, almost giving themselves an excuse to live and act a certain way. Throwing around phrases like, “oh, it’s just my trauma” or, “well that’s how my mother always acted”.
It’s an excuse. It’s not holding oneself accountable. More than that, though, it’s old and just not relevant anymore.
My current relationship with my mom has nothing do with that story I told myself about her and about me. That story is now a moment in time that, at one point, had to be processed and “aired” out of me in a way and now that it has, it’s gone — completely gone. And it can be.
I try my best to take the actors, (my mom and I), out of the equation — at this moment in time — at any moment in time, they are just simply behaviors. They’re not a story or a relationship, they’re just — behavior.
Each time I’m with my mother, I don’t choose to concern myself with our drama. I choose to concern myself with our moment to moment connection — both physically and energetically. What more important to me than the stories I’ve told myself is connecting with other people in a deeper, more intimate way. And maybe the worst thing actually isn’t the worst thing — maybe it just needs to be for a little while, so that we can let it go and move on.
